almost five years

So last week when I wrote my obligatory December post, I went searching back through my blog to find a picture {which I actually didn't find but whatevs}. I realized that I totally had flown right by my November anniversary of almost dying. It's been five years. Totally got me thinking.

It's been {almost} five years since a few things have happened, and these are things that I don't think I have ever actually written about. But five years is enough time for the dust to settle, to clear, whatever. I got all emo on Friday night thinking about all this and it directly affected my weekend, which now seems to be definitely carrying into my week.

It's been almost five years since I was proposed to on rose petals, by a Christmas tree. It's also been almost five years since that four-year-long relationship ended, suddenly and dramatically. It was most definitely a good thing, do not get me wrong. I'm not sad about that {now}. I promise. Things DO happen for a reason, let me tell you that.

But five years have passed and I'm not happily married with 2.5 kids {don't make fun of me for wanting that}. I have a fantastic life. I do. But it's been almost five years since I've actually felt anything for anyone. I don't put myself out there. I have dated, sure. I have been giddy about prospects and about good dates and cute text messages. But I've also always found a reason to not move forward. I have no 'game'. I find deal-breakers in everything. I'm cynical. And I go back to my safe little comfort zone, with no possibility of getting hurt. And no possibility of love.

So on Friday I emo-ed it out and cried about ending up like Grey Gardens with my bff and then decided to freaking put myself out there for once. Not to run away because I get scared and to maybe take a chance on someone that I maybe wouldn't have before. And so I did.

{my safe place. ha.}

And so where am I now? Well...if this was a movie I'd tell you that I met Prince Charming over the weekend and it was all magical hearts and butterflies. {oh wow, that's my bitter bunny coming out. sorry!} I actually met a nice guy and have spent a lot of time with him lately. I'm trying to not find a reason not to. {yes, if you follow me on Twitter, I did tweet about a bad date I was on. it got better. trying to be positive. really.} He's nice. I'm trying to figure out what's a true deal-breaker and what is just me being scared. {obvs I know what real deal breakers are, don't worry}. He's nice. But I don't think about him when I'm not with him.

{via}

And then there's also someone who I have finally realized that I am honestly crazy about and I basically told him that. Let's be real honest: I was out with guy #1 and my friends, having an okay time and then guy #2 walked in. And my heart just jumped out of my chest, because I knew right then that I did not want to be where I was. So, again, honesty is the best policy...I did a mildly shitty thing and ended the night with guy #1 way early...like awkwardly early. And then totally went and hung out with guy #2 for hours and loved every minute of it. {can i tell you that guy #2 is amazing? I feel so comfortable with him. He makes me laugh and laugh. I can't stop thinking about him. I barely know him.}

Confused?

Guy #1: not actually #1 but wants to be

Guy #2: actually #1 in my book but a freaking mystery

me: lame, messed up, writes longest blog post ever

my heart: waking up {omg I am Faith Hill. kill me.}

cream cheese: delicious

Urgh. I went from being in a safe little cocoon to just NOT.

I'm not liking this. I'm listening to Taylor Swift songs over and over {this song is exactly how I feel}. Who am I?

Anyways. Enough about me and my emo-tastic self. If you've made it to the end, how the heck are you??