"I love them. They remind me of Papa."
and just like that, the next thing out of my mouth
"I've decided I am going to work all the holidays. Thanksgiving and Christmas. I just ... can't."
and just like that, I was crying my eyes out. Crying like I have not cried in a while. Since I got the call about his passing.
I love the holidays but I cannot imagine sitting at a dining room table with all of my family except my grandfather. I don't want to do that. I do not want to sit there and pass the gravy-that-is-more-whiskey-then-gravy to my cousin and not notice my papa rolling his eyes at the loud and way longer then is appropriate story that my aunt's sister's husband is telling.
{what? you don't put whiskey in your gravy? oh. sads for you. also? my eye-roll? i got it from my papa.}
I realize that even if I do work these holidays, there is always next year. There will be a time when his absence is felt and missed and acknowledged more then usual. I know I cannot run from that and yet, wow, I want to. I know that the people sitting around your dining room table will change and traditions evolve and the people you love are always with you. But God. I feel selfish writing this, because I know some of you are missing a parent or a child or a spouse. But this is my loss right now and I hurt.
Can I tell you a confession?
Last Christmas, I chose not to go to my families Christmas. I spent the day alone, at home, in pjs, drinking boozy egg nog and watching The Holiday and Love Actually. At the time, it was the most wonderful gift to myself and I felt quite adult and independent and whatever.
I'm an idiot. Regret.
If I was smart, I would see the correlation here and it would be a lightbulb moment. But I am not feeling particularly smart.
Just sad.
4 comments:
Every experience is gold.
In 2007,my Dad died 8 days before Christmas.That whole holiday passed by in a blur of tears and extreme sadness,with his funeral only 4 days before Christmas.The whole family was together,and even though I felt like lying in my bed and never getting back up again,being with them,and talking about Dad,made the following Christmasses better.It still hurts like hell,but I do hope that you will have a change of heart - for your own sake,as well as your families'.
yes it will be hard, but if YOU dont go, think of how much harder it will be on your mom (assuming it is her dad)... everyone needs each other right now.... i understand how painful it is, i was raised partially by my grandmother, my first holiday without her nearly killed me too, but i had to go, to support my mum. so sorry for your loss.
i can understand what you're saying. i think i would feel the exact same way. it is really hard to go through things like that. but i think your papa would rather have you be with your family that be home alone. just sayin'. maybe you could go with b's family for the holidays this year?
xoxo
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